Siti Nabilah

2012-01-17T21:59:00.001+08:00

having fun.

get back to writing. soon.

an 8-year-old post.

2012-01-06T01:21:00.004+08:00

dear hidayah,

im sorry i unfollowed you from twitter. it's just that every time i see your tweet/face pops-up, i start hating you. idk why. i got raging hormones. im trying my best, to get over you, first. and move on. maybe i'll move on, maybe i'll not. idk. im sorry. thats all i can say and thats all im good at. sorry, i cannot be there for you. hope it's nice wherever you are, whoever you're with. you will always, be my bestfriend, no matter how shit/unappreciative/meano you are towards me. i used those words cause, idk, thats how it seems like ever since, you got a dick. this is from my point of view, its biased and mean. im sorry. and sorry for the language, again, you know me.

i know you'll never care for me or whutsnot. like what you said on twitter dm. nevertheless, i'll always be constantly worried about your well-being. like i always do, every single day. whats more, now that i unfollowed you. and i know this may sound like a gay/shit/cheesy post of some desperado whos never gonna get over you. well, it is.

"for you i bleed myself dry." - coldplay

btw, i miss you.

love,

Nabs.

you're prolly gonna go eewwwww. all that shit. i know you. well, who cares. idgaf.

2011-12-31T01:23:00.002+08:00

i'm not opting for keemo.

i'll bleed. for all you care.

goodnight.

2011-12-27T01:35:00.004+08:00

why is it that, i still pick H, over anything, all the time?

why is it that, my (not so)past is always there to haunt me, all the time?

sometimes, i feel so sakeeey, being your bff.

im trying my best not to care about you. but clearly, i still need you.

at the end of the day, i just want her to hate me.

and you, why are you still so nice to me,

when you know, im not yet, over H.

2011-12-23T01:18:00.004+08:00

im 18. i take meds everyday like an oldperson. im heavily dependent on my inhaler. im not even asthmatic. and im weak.

weak. still weak. still muthafucking weak. my morale goes down easily. tak tau kan? sekarang dah tau. i saw the look on Ben's face when i told him we'll start training when school reopens. boy, he was kinda disappointed. sorry partner. sorry for being weak. :/

i'm trying my best, to work this body out. bring back the stamina. bring back the packs/abs. but at the same time, inhalers. i really dont wanna depend on them. i dont even wanna touch them. i wanna be nice to my body, but i dont wanna be weak. dunnoe la eh.

can't believe im still seen as weak. come on guise. give it a break.

just, fuck my life. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

JUST FUCK EVERYTHING LA. cb.

the moment you start treating/labelling me for a guy, is the moment i lost my respect for you.

guy, not bro. there is a difference.

2011-12-22T03:15:00.004+08:00

you kept quiet. when i told you what she said.

and then you held onto my hands, so tightly.

why did you do that?

the first time shit happened, it was a mistake. and i was expected to not repeat it. but i did it anyway. so does it mean, what we have right now, seems as a dumb mistake, to you? a dumb decision i made in my life?

it's okay, everybody looks down on me. im tryna get used to it.

i'm not surprised if you're on their side. conservatives. you're one. i geddit. :/

i miss the old me too. but that just ain't coming back. i dont wish to relive that loser moments of mine. the scorps. the fat fuck bitch. the specs. all of which. thats a decision i made. i need the confidence boost too. i wanna be able to feel good about myself and not just be in your shadow.

im sorry if im giving off different vibes unlike how i used to.

im sorry if im no longer fit enough to be your BW.

im sorry i made you feel emotional on the phone that night.

im sorry that im all that i said i won't be.

im sorry im sucha disappointment to you. i'm prolly a disgrace to you right now.

im sorry that i fell for you in the first place. must've been drunk.

im sorry that i moved on, just not the way you want me to.

im sorry that i made you feel like you don't know me anymore.

im sorry im not there for you all the time.

and this one, one that im really sorry about.

im sorry, you lost your bestfriend. your nabo.

2011-12-19T21:57:00.003+08:00

today's climb was a good one. even though i was late and it was a short session. better than always yet still far from good. must be the chicken rice i had while climbing. the feeling, after you completed a route. fuhhhh. yea, i know, those are simple routes. but hey, you gotta give credit to a fat idiot like me, who hates sports. and that's me, being complacent.

i wanna know, how it feels like, to be strong. to use the right techniques.

i just wanna be good. good enough for everybody. thats all.

2011-12-19T04:01:00.002+08:00

I always forget that i'm no longer fit to do stuff anymore. like the usuals, climbing/swimming/running. it became like a daily routine. i wanna be good in climbing, be strong. i wanna swim and last long in the pool, longer, for ever single time i swim. and i wanna sustain my stamina while running. day by day, its these things, that shape me into what/who am i today.

im not bragging. but i know, i got stronger, than back then. until now.

the drive alone is not enough, it seems. it changed me, in a good and bad way.

i became more obsessed in the things i do. change my perception of things.

got complacent.

and when, suddenly, it struck you down, stops you and makes you feel weak, you just wanna work harder. harder than ever. and break every single rule available.

maybe i should try what farah said? 7 straight days of climbing?

hahahaha, no. i'll prolly last a day. or not.

well, goodnight guise. :B

2011-12-17T11:17:00.004+08:00

stuff happens. be it good things or bad.

and like, no matter what, there is this little spot, teenyweeny little spot inside me, which is still hoping.

just the 0.0000001% of me.

but no. you're still on top, in my hate-list

2011-12-15T22:56:00.002+08:00

too many regrets in a year.

i did nothing except brood over it.

except for one.

the worst fight, but yet, still the best.

OR NOT.

k la. blog tmr la. or later.

chaoz.

2011-12-14T20:37:00.006+08:00

how i find your bikini tan line annoying.

how i find you sexy in specs.

how you hate my fat ass.

how you hate when i start texting you lyrics.

how we hate the smell of cigarettes.

how we'd talk in silly languages.

how we'd play dress up.

how i like you in masai-ness.

how you think i look kerek during our concert date.

how we'd always snuggle in beds together.

no matter how much we hate each other at that point of time.

how you love to oogle at hot bods.

how we keep our common, apart.

how you run your fingers thru my hair.

how you hate-love my mohawk.

how you look sexy in my smelly flannels.

how you love surprise kisses.

how we love, ciggies spree.

how we love sleeping under the stars.

be it at the back of your dad's truck or the multistorey carpark.

how i like your fart.

how i love seeing you in dress.

how i hate when you start comparing yourself to her.

how we hate texting.calling.

we'd go ends of the world to see each other.

how we wake up with morning kisses.

how you sleep like a pig.

how you panicked and cried when my fever skyrocketed.

how i still like your fart.

and the list goes on.

how i never fail to disappoint you.

how you're still there. for me. no matter what.

i miss you.

2011-12-13T17:59:00.003+08:00

i gave up.

on both of them.

H; F.

i told myself. and F.

if i give up on H. i gotta give up F.

fair play.

i love both still.

One as a sister. One as a, hmm.

so, there is this big hoohaa.

on whatsup wimme.

dont know how things lead to this.

too severe to handle.

dont wanna give up my passion.

but maybe, i just gotta do it.

i d k.

no one knows whut. 'cept for sarah and hannah.

and its making me sad. that i feel so lost.

most of the time. like theres no one to talk to.

no one, who understands me.

'cept for babs. i think.

hais.

2011-12-03T02:03:00.002+08:00

im giving up bby.

soon. not now.

im sorry.

i dont think its fair for you still.

and its hard, trying to lie to myself everyday.

i cannot, pull this.

im sorry, that im sucha disappointment to everyone.

2011-12-02T09:43:00.002+08:00

smiling, but we're close to tears.

its these happy moments, which scares me the most.

all the time.

its not the places we went that matters.

its not the stuff we did that matters.

its the fight, the moments, that matters.

le sigh.

we all know, how things are gonna end up.

we all do.

2011-11-29T09:36:00.002+08:00

all i do in life right now. is to say sorries. sometimes, when i say too much of it, it makes me even more lazy to say them. but like, most of the time, its my fault. so here goes.

im sorry. for saying that i cant do this. you know me well, right now. not hid. not nasy. not huril or anyone for that matter. all these while, its all, denial. you knew. you just wanted me to admit it. and when i did last night, i gave up.

im sorry.

i gave up.

i didnt think its fair for you.

but you stood there. waiting still.

how you held me.

how you fought to keep it.

im sorry. i love you.

2011-11-26T11:19:00.003+08:00

im sorry.

i gave a fuck abt her not replying me last night.

during dinner.

im sorry.

i said all those shit, out of anger.

im sorry.

i cant be there for you all the time.

im sorry.

i said im not over her and that i dont love you.

i love you. i really do.

2011-11-24T11:11:00.006+08:00

First.

p/s: i love how you get angry and give me the middle finger everytime i call you;

fat ugly whore.

and then you'll start comparing yourself with Hid.

HAHAHAHAHAH.

still the prettiest and sexiest to me, okay.

even if you're fat and ugly and masai.

and not hid.

thats what i love abt you baby. :3

2011-11-15T10:51:00.003+08:00

it took you, 2 weeks.

to make me feel, like i was the only one.

it took you, 2 weeks.

to make me fall for you.

it took you, 2 weeks.

to make me feel, completely obsessed over you.

and then, you left. just like that.

for the nights.

we stayed up; talking.

staying in bed; having each other close.

only to have time the only thing that scares us.

the present. the future.

he'll make you happy, i guess.

well; i'll miss you.

2011-11-15T00:03:00.002+08:00

i'll pull myself away from the world.

okay?

i'll do just that.

and then maybe, the world will be a better place.

2011-11-12T20:37:00.001+08:00

idontknow.

im sorry.

2011-11-08T01:17:00.001+08:00

no what ifs.

please. dont.

i dont wanna start killing myself.

again. and jinx whatever i have. right now.

goodnight.

2011-11-06T13:16:00.002+08:00

im sorry.

that i didnt use the 8lettered words.

i wanted to wait.

i wanted to be sure.

cmon baby.

we'll pull it through.

if time is gonna be a factor, for us.

then we'll stop the time.

it'll work out.

just, some patience.

you made my saturday.

as always.

2011-11-02T02:20:00.004+08:00

its always in the middle of the night.

i get weak again.

and then. the thoughts start to kill me, all over again.

fuck la k.

cbcbcbcbcbcbcb.

dont want to think la k.

it took up most of my time.

it took up my studies.

it almost, took up my life. you have no idea.

KNN LAAAAAAAAA

i fucking hate how you act innocent to everything.

and fucking actually pretend nothing happened.

CB, I ALSO WANT TO DO THAT SIA.

NO SORRY WORKS LA. idk why.

STOOOPID EGO. just give in to the SORRIES la nabs.

fml.

2011-11-02T01:26:00.002+08:00

im out.

breaking hearts.

do not, try to stop me.

no, im not ready to let any idiots in.

i still want that girl/idiot.

i will never, forget how it feels like.

to be left like that.

to feel pain.

i'll let the world, have a taste.

of the game.

this is, a good game.

2011-10-29T14:01:00.002+08:00

last thu night.

i felt weak.

super weak.

think its just the stress of the workloads.

well, assuming it is.

2011-10-29T02:48:00.001+08:00

i wanna write stories.

i want Hid to read.

but i doubt she will.

stop asking me why i find Hidayah everytime.

even i dont know.

shes my bff la k. thats why.

she my bff, that im supposed to share with her everything.

kimz. cause shes the only idiot that i'd share my deepest secrets with.

kinda like a soulsister. but, idk la.

even i sometimes, dont know what are we.

aye.

2011-10-28T00:23:00.001+08:00

i really wanna talk to somebody right now.

but at the end of the day.

people are just sick of the words thats coming out from my mouth.

no one, listens.

allez.

2011-10-26T23:41:00.004+08:00

hello blog. i miss writing.

what if, i really choose to leave you.

what if, i really choose to stop texting you entirely.

what if, i really choose to delete you off, my life.

and then, you got no one.

its just sad, okay.

y'know like, i just called, to check on you.

cause im worried. cause i care for you.

and like, you just, had to say that.

it makes me feel like as if, i stand nowhere.

like im not part of your life. like you want nothing to do with me.

like hes your entire life.

like, idk.

so, do i mean anything, to you?

well, maybe, it is like that.

that, i am nothing. to you.

i still can't forget,

how you weren't there for my first comp.

no presence. no words of encouragement and whutsnot.

and you knew, climbing, was my life.

i was secretly hoping that you'll be there tho.

im just, disappointed in myself. thats all.

2011-10-17T16:41:00.000+08:00

Stop bleeding leh.
:/
Not funny sia keep losing blood.

2011-10-09T14:10:00.002+08:00

you should prolly start acting like you care.

like, you're not the only one, with thoughts.

with problems.

with insecurities.

i got, feelings too.

i got problems too.

i got thoughts to deal with too.

and i face them; alone.

all the time.

and its scary.

you just, didnt know.

well, no one does.

right now.

2011-10-06T03:09:00.003+08:00

the 8 lettered words.
I will never, say it out loud, again.
To anybody. Anywhere. Thanks to you.

Well, one of my many regrets.
I still hold on to what I say tho.
My #1. Always.

Despite you. Moving on. With a dude.
Despite you. Never gonna accept it.
Despite us. Remaining as bffs.

It's hard tho. For me.
It pained me. Until it numbed.
But I'll keep it real anyway.
That we're just friends. Bffs at that.

Remember how I said. I wanna let go. So much.
And you didn't let.
And you didn't care if it's gonna be troublesome for you.
You were keen. On holding on. Why?

Who, am I to you?
Why do we treat each other so differently from the others?
Too different, in fact. That its starting to drift, us.

Dont say whatever we are not, cause we are.

And as a matter of fact, I miss you. In the bff way.

2011-10-04T02:49:00.002+08:00

do you know, how worried sick, you made me, that night, even tho, i was fighting pain?

do you?

no you dont.

and i swear to god, i've never been so afraid to lose you.

for the first time. ever

the feeling, almost killed me.

and it pained me even more.

that you were gonna do something stooopid.

2011-10-01T12:09:00.001+08:00

weeks just got better.

ah.

not looking forward to sch.

not looking forward to sharing lectures with poops.

2011-09-26T10:21:00.003+08:00

relapsed. after relapsed.

annoyed with myself. annoyed with the world.

it gets saddening, when everytime i thought how we used to text each other all day.

and now, none. or most of the time, one. only.

big changes eh?

dont make me feel, that i made a mistake.

that 11 months ago.

cause when i do, i'll be the most upmost disappointed person.

in you.

dont call me a coward.

for not opening up.

im not.

i really wanna hate you.

2011-09-17T21:06:00.002+08:00

hair keeps falling out.

nose keeps on bleeding.

no no, its not supposed to work out this way.

i need more than just 6 months.

2011-09-17T00:43:00.001+08:00

felt dumb.

did something dumb.

mother of all dumbs.

k, goodnight.

kayak tmr. hmm.

2011-09-15T14:35:00.004+08:00

i swear to god. it gets harder everyday.

and the more i try, to drown myself, with work.

the more i try, to make busy with activities.

the more we try, to ignore each other.

the more i find it hard. to deal.

it gets overwhelming.

all over again.

like back to zero.

and even though i hate you right now.

i miss you.

real bad.

feeling. god. damn. useless.

fucking need to restring my guitar.

and get another acoustic one.

and start reading up.

the last time i read, was 11 months ago.

the rest of the time, i was busy. with love.

back to zero. back as a junkie.

livin life, like a loser.

2011-09-14T00:43:00.002+08:00

wanna know why i find it hard to let go?

of grandmother.

of hid.

cause im so scared that one day,

i'll prolly forget abt them. entirely.

which i dont want that. to happen.

thats why. its hard.

and i know. even tho i cant.

i just had to.

hmm.

i kinda miss hid.

ale.

2011-09-06T02:10:00.004+08:00

"jeling jeling, kau menjeling.

senyuman mu menggoda."

ah, why does siti nurhaliza gives me the butterflies.

hmm.

cut ze hair.

didnt think. just cut.

regretted it for a while.

smiled throughout the whole hair cut. even tho it pained.

well, everything pained. lulz.

idk why i cut.

i just felt like cutting it.

and yes, i know the length is quite drastic.

and my last words to everybody.

before i take my leave.

dont think. just jump.

lifes too short. to not have fun.

so, have fun.

and go fuck around.

and go fall, in and out of love.

thats life bitches.

and i miss you, so much.

http://naaaaabs.tumblr.com/

2011-09-03T16:29:00.002+08:00

im really really really really really sorry.

im not keen on letting go, i just had to.

i got issues.

that i dont feel like facing.

and so, i run.

like i always do.

2011-09-02T11:15:00.002+08:00

channeling anger.

i feel like as if, im clotting up, something.

but im not.

FOR GOD SAKE ITS BEEN A MONTH ALREADY.

F U ALL.

dear god.

wanna die, asap.

i dont want to fall, to depression. next.

2011-08-30T00:06:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry.

it came back.

everything.

i'm not fine. i'm in pain. and it gets harder everyday.

really. i try so hard.

ALL I WANNA FUCKING DO.

IS TO JUST DIE.

GET AWAY. FROM EVERYTHING.

FROM EVERYONE.

I SHOULD REALLY, STOP TALKING TO ANYONE.

IF I KEEP FALLING FOR EVERYONE.

F M L.

2011-08-28T04:11:00.003+08:00

it's like im using, that someone, to get over, somebody.

and im trying, too hard.

idk, sometimes, i really wanna shoot myself dead.

just, f my, life.

ah, fuck myself.

really, if i hadn't done that, it wouldnt trigger, to this.

but somehow, i dont wanna see myself, regretting to doing that.

even if it was long long ago.

if i hadn't like you, in the first place.

shit like this, wouldn't have happened.

i remembered, all the FIRSTs.

every single details of it.

2011-08-27T02:19:00.003+08:00

i'll give it another go.

i'll give it another chance.

and i don't give a damn, if they're gonna hate me, for that.

cause i know, they will.

me against the world.

game on.

last; the final one.

we give it a go.

whisper hello, i missed you quite terribly.

2011-08-25T03:26:00.004+08:00

this time round, i'll run. like always.

and i'll see, how far, you'd go.

not that it would change anything.

and really, im starting to hate you right now.

as much as i miss you.

dont go bullshitting, that its hard for you.

hard for me to believe that, with all the "love" in the air.

ya ya, whatever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

surviving on the laughters.

im really lucky, to have got them.

to support me. everytime i fell.

and they say,

those who laugh the hardest,

are not those happy ones.

siapa kawan. siapa lawan.

tepuk dada, tanya selera eh?

hahhaha. k la. they may have forgotten, but its K.

at least, i know that they're still there, to entertain, my craps.

yep, still there.

well, are you?

Open letter.

2011-08-22T03:02:00.004+08:00

Hello, this is an open letter. To the idiot.

i miss you so much,

that i hate you.

and all i do, is to curse you.

i really wanna get over you.

i really wanna be happy, for you.

i really do.

and i really, want you, to spare me the torture.

right now, i swear to god, i just hate you, for missing you.

its like, once, we were doing things together.

and suddenly, i lost you.

cause you went fucking some man.

and the worst part is,

i hate myself, for pursuing you.

for the last 9 months.

thinking that i actually got a chance.

when i know, i dont.

and i'll have you know, that you will always be,

the worst love i've ever had, but still, the best.

for the last 2 weeks,

it was torture. for me. for them.

ale.

2011-08-09T11:55:00.001+08:00

and i'd be gone one day, literally.

and no one knows why.

its cause,

it didnt matter to anyone.

but me.

yeah, the real truth.

behind everything.

that one little secret.

2011-08-07T04:54:00.004+08:00

i decide, to let go.

yea, i think i should.

makes the world, a happy place.

i mean, this time round, i wanna be saving my own ass.

and not depend on my friends, to pull me out. of the hole.

like they always do.

ale.

its like, im unappreciative of their efforts.

trying to save me, all the time.

and with all the words, they try to mindfuck me out of it.

uhhhhhhhhhhh.

well, ale nabs.

i gave up.

and no one knows why.

for the first time in my life.

i actually, had to give up.

when giving up, was always a taboo. in my life.

ale nabs, ale.

2011-08-05T08:50:00.001+08:00

let there be one person,

who knows why.

who knows everything.

let it be, only me.

im sorry.

even though its unfair.

i just got issues.

thats killing me.

2011-07-30T13:49:00.003+08:00

we're like lost birds.

playing games, that burns each other

and the world, questioned; me.

everibadi wants to pull me out. of this shit.

i just choose, to drown myself further.

i'm sorry.

i'd run the whole world.

and just wait.

that's just how dumb i am, in love.

i'm sorry for saying that i was gonna burn all the stuff.

not like you read this space anyway.

2011-07-24T04:46:00.002+08:00

you brought me, into your world, and lock me in it.

now, im just lost. in your world.

where were you, the day i lost everything.

you were out. with a bunch of monkeys.

yea, monkeys.

2011-07-22T11:22:00.002+08:00

lost track. of the world.

i miss my girls, i swear to god.

i'll be back, i promise.

2011-07-21T00:05:00.001+08:00

i like girls.

why cant people deal with that?

thats why, i hate telling people, about my crush.

and i like you.

i told the world.

but you.

2011-07-16T12:26:00.001+08:00

i think, im back.

in love with you.

all over again.

meet, hidayah.

2011-07-05T03:28:00.004+08:00

Hi, meet this nenek.

shes koool liddat, like me. just that, i'm kooler.

we are, direct opposites.

shes girly, im not.

she plays with make up, i dont.

she hates the sun, i love them.

shes a bimbo, im not. o.o

shes a hotstuff, im not.

but zatsokay, we're still kool anyway.

this nenek, never gives up on me.

i think. shes the best nenek you can ever find.

sometimes i think, i make her feel sad.

budden, idk, cause she never show.

thats what makes her kool. im kooler still.

and we've only known each other foorrrrr, hmm, 9 months.

we tell each other, eva-ri-fing. i think.

and i like going on dates with her.

i like, sitting down with her, and talk abt eva-ri-fing.

thats cause shes kool. IM KOOLER STILL.

shes only a true nenek, when she thinks i behave like a kid.

i can't help it if small little stuff amuse me aye?

i like to make faces whenever i talk to her.

i like being cheesy when i talk to her.

i like to annoy her with my mimics.

we went thru lots of up. and downs.

and we're still there for each other. I THINK.

thats cause we're koooool liddat.

and,

even tho sometimes, she makes me wanna strangle her,

shes still the best nenek around.

and i love her.

heheheheh.

2011-06-29T01:12:00.002+08:00

i swear to god, i love them, so much.

for being there, even when i make stupid decisions. all the time.

for trying to mindfuck shit into me. good shits.

for never, giving up on me.

for being, my brain, sometimes.

for believing, that i, could do it.

especially piggy! (oo)

day5

2011-06-18T02:11:00.002+08:00

today,

i woke up.

without any voice.

i took my time to go to sch.

kinda sick of it.

met khai and sylvia. on the train.

CLUBROOM AURA TOO STRONG AH.

made me felt super lazy to go study.

i did, with huril.

got mindfucked along the way.

went back to clubroom.

went back with sylvia.

went back when the sun is still up.

woaaaahhh. O.O

had domino's for dinner.

and oh, babe called. :D

pretty much, what i did today.

day4

2011-06-17T01:15:00.002+08:00

today, i went to sch.

hoping to study. which i didnt.

ate at north. friend fish soup.

no pork no lard.

rot in clubroom.

hunt people for nominal roll.

cb you all.

sore throat.

lost my voice in the morning.

had a talk, with ma.

saw macbeths.

think getting one for myself and babe.

THINK ONLY.

yet another boring day.

i swear to god, im losing it.

i miss ze bff. so much.

Day3

2011-06-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

Today. I woke up late for training.
Woke up with. Bloodshot/sore eyes. Sore throat. Fever. Flu. Blocked nose.
Cant breathe.
I still dragged myself to sch anyway.

Slacked the whole day in clubroom.
Waited for idiot girl to fb.
She fb-ed. She called. :)
She saw a pink penguin. Hehehe.

That made my day. Just like that.

day2.

2011-06-15T01:10:00.004+08:00

today; erm.

i had a nightmare. again.

the same one. all over again.

1. i went to grandmadre's place. alone.

sat at her favourite place.

the sofa. the dining table.

lie on her bed. on her usual side.

i was alone, at home.

and then, shit happens.

i felt super shittos. and lost.

2. i laid on her bed.

i got bored.

i browsed fb.

at old photos. just not mine.

i fell asleep. for an hour.

3. i celebrated nasy birthday.

planked. at some cake.

talked under the kaleidoscope.

with SYLVIA OH.

played with gods.

someone said.

i should at least be strong. for hid.

after all, shes been there for me.

40 plus days.

the fact that she feels my pain and is getting tired of it.

thats the least thing, i should do.

be strong. for myself. and hid.

hmm. ale nabs.

day1.

2011-06-13T23:48:00.002+08:00

today, bores me.

1. i went for climb run meeting.

mr. wilfred got more NEW sea creatures.

last fri, it was empty, and bore.

#kindamademyday

2. i met seri. for first aid.

barely got anything done.

drank her not-so-hot choco.

finished up her 7D mangoes.

pretty much, did nothing.

at nothing.

but i did, puke something.

and bled, from the nose.

i miss babe. :(

2011-06-13T00:45:00.003+08:00

what if. along the way, we fell in love.

what if. we gotta get up and move on with our own lives.

what ifs will never come true.

2011-06-12T11:48:00.002+08:00

babes leaving. tonight.

for melbourne. for 7 days.

doubt she'd miss me as much as i'd miss her.

another MOST important idiot in my life.

uh.

l0ng journey.

ale nabs.

2011-06-11T22:34:00.001+08:00

sappy.

dead.

since morning.

no one knows.

goodbye. goodnight.

2011-06-07T23:18:00.003+08:00

whoever said that i didnt wanna move on.

i want to. but, its so hard.

waking up to a fresh start. assuring myself.

its, so. fucking hard.

its so hard. to tell myself.

to stop thinking abt it.

to stop having nightmares.

to wake up and move on.

i, uh wanna do it myself.

tmr, is the 40th day.

i wanna wake up. telling myself. that what happened 4o days ago.

wasnt my fault. was fate.

and i tell myself that, every single day.

without fail. to accept death.

and i swear to god, the guilt, just kills me everyday.

uh.

2011-05-31T20:55:00.002+08:00

i dont go back, having a family to look forward to.

like every one else, now or then.

then, i only have my grandmadre.

now, no one.

going home, almost everyday to good homecooked food.

going home, giving/getting hugs/kisses/raspberries.

talking in lovey dovey languages.

going almost everywhere, just the two of us.

going all the way to geylang, just to get chapati.

just me and grandmadre.

she was my everything.

and while she was on her deathbed,

where was i?

not there. just not there. by her side.

thats the guilt, which is killing me the most.

most of the time, i miss holding her hands tightly.

2011-05-29T03:07:00.000+08:00

Okay hi. I miss grandmadre. A lot. Uh.

And b t w, i like you. And you. :(

2011-05-27T01:13:00.000+08:00

1001 thoughts.

i just wanna climb.

thats all.

2011-05-22T00:20:00.004+08:00

i miss reading out, tumblr quotes aloud.

i miss talking with my eyes closed.

i miss talking/laughing out loud under the bantal.

i miss my bestf.

thats all.

ale nabs!

up to date.

i really think, taiwan was a mistake.

shouldn't have went.

2011-05-19T09:16:00.002+08:00

i got issues.

lots of them.

ale nabs!

OHMMMMMMMMM.

i push you down the canyon. i ran back to catch you.

i fell off. but i got people, pulling me back.

people, like nasy and the girls.

you died, just like that. and there was nothing, that i can do.

note to self.

stop expecting.

2011-05-08T19:49:00.001+08:00

seems that everyone's leaving.

one by one.

uhh.

2011-05-07T09:10:00.003+08:00

I’m a bitch because I’m angry. I’m angry because I have all of these feelings. Feelings for you, that I’m afraid of dealing with because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences. I want to be with you, but I’m afraid of the talks and the looks. I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back, still I have to accept that I love you.

exactly how i feel right now. idk what i want.

2011-05-06T20:47:00.000+08:00

i dont know what i want.

i just wanna, die.

NOT.

uh.

2011-05-02T20:28:00.002+08:00

dear world, give me a break.

i need it so much.

all, at one go.

bombs. after bombs.

i'm tired.

one, fucking eventful, week.

i'm thankful still, for those people.

who kept me alive.

2011-04-28T01:24:00.002+08:00

long, since i write in this space.

tumblr, taking up, life.

life; taking up, life.

people; taking up, life.

anypoops, ale nabs!

the best remedy, climb.

dont ask why.

just keep on pondering, what you've missed/forgotten.

2011-04-23T02:43:00.001+08:00

what i've been saying,

all these while,

it really didnt make a difference eh?

you prove it so.

goodnight.

im tired.

of the world.

2011-04-16T01:08:00.002+08:00

a fat kid, is a happy kid.

i was happy alright.

Jerangkang made me happy.

away from the reality. away from life.

away from well, hmm, :)

no worries. no weird thoughts. no emocraps.

just me, the awesome people, and my lepak life.

LIFES GREAT LIKE THAT, I GUESS.

right now, i really wished,

that i never came back from Jerangkang.

reality bites. so much.

and it burns. so much.

2011-04-12T01:53:00.002+08:00

i ponder so much abt death.

like as if this shit inside me, is gonna get me.

it wont. not now.

hmm.

i wanna do shit.

that i wanna regret.

i wanna do shit.

that i wanna risk.

i just wanna do shit.

and make myself feel happy.

even if it doesn't stick around.

oh well.

jerangkang, later.

2011-04-10T12:31:00.003+08:00

you, and your issues.

bit by bit, it kills me.

not being able to do anything to change it.

i feel useless, as your bff.

no point. no point.

hai.

i give up.

2011-04-09T00:11:00.001+08:00

i'd go around the block, telling the world.

how i fly.

ah.

2011-04-06T01:56:00.002+08:00

and i choose to keep it to myself.

i shall live with it.

i shall deal with it.

and win it.

" once, we were all over each other.

now, it's like we're sick of hearing/looking at each other."

is it? or just me?

2011-04-05T03:09:00.004+08:00

hid got strong instincts.

she could tell when my nose bled last night.

power ah bestfriend. \m/

telepathy much.

i've got an awesome bestfriend.

--------------------------------------------------------------

what ifs ringing in the brain.

someone save me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

here goes.

what if. i never get to past the 18 mark.

what if. i forget the world.

what if. i lost.

what if. i got no one.

what if. i got ditched.

what if. somethings are meant unjustified.

my thoughts are scaring me. i know.

2011-04-04T04:24:00.002+08:00

oh hai.

my nose bled.

in the middle of the night.

hid is gonna kill me if she found out abt this.

i feel so afraid.

2011-04-03T15:02:00.003+08:00

Ku tuliskan lagu ini
Ku persembahkan padamu
Walau pun tiada indah
Syair lagu yang ku gubah

Ku ingatkan kepadamu
Akan janjimu padaku
Hanyalah satu pintaku
Jangan kau lupakan daku

Walau apa yang terjadi
Tabahkan hatimu selalu
Jangan sampai kau tergoda
Mulut manis yang berbisa

Setahun kita berpisah
Serindu terasa sudah
Duhai gadis pujaanku
Cintaku hanya padamu

and i fell in love, all over again.

yes, love.

2011-04-03T00:34:00.000+08:00

i'm, just, full, of myself.

2011-04-01T01:15:00.002+08:00

ifly. so much.

what are we anyway? define us.

you fucking, gave me hopes.

for the last 6 months.

i miss the queasy feeling that tried to kill me sometimes.

2011-03-29T22:14:00.003+08:00

somehow, i find this photo so nice.

cheh, self-praise.

takde motive anyway gambar ni.

-----------------------------------------------

it came back. like it always does.

it sticks around. like it always does.

it burns a million. like it always does.

what is this? this is shit.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

i really wanna absolute myself. and shoot myself dead.

cause i fucking, hate myself sometimes.

5 months ago, i made a mistake.

2011-03-28T12:51:00.003+08:00

I don’t know why, but there are times when I feel that I’m not worth it, that I’m not worthy of anyone’s affection.

fuck this shit.

2011-03-28T01:17:00.003+08:00

i live to die.

and i die, cause i live.

like a coward,

im running away.

like a coward,

im avoiding the world.

like a coward,

i seek solemn.

i dont understand myself sometimes.

can't help it.

i say/do without thinking.

i, uh, miss taiwan.

the lepak moment.

no one does, actually.

all, on impulse.

2011-03-27T04:25:00.001+08:00

i lost count. really.

i dont wanna count. the number of times it happened.

it's like, im fickle minded.

and i really really can't decide.

and i said, 25th. and now, its 27th.

i failed, my own promise.

2011-03-19T15:28:00.003+08:00

i was away. for 9 days. trekking.

got me thinking. alot. way way more than before.

scrambling for one. ditched another.

that was what happened.

the whole time. they know.

but today i realised, i never wanna be part of.

neither one.

i didnt have to make a choice.

at least, i thought i had to.

looks like, im not needed here.

hmm. oh well.

2011-03-08T14:29:00.002+08:00

T minus 15 hours.

No late night calls.

No texts.

No dates.

away from this hectic concrete jungle.

into the serenity.

i kinda miss running around like i have 10 kids.

it gives me the adrenaline rush actually.

and i have to admit, i actually love it.

despite complaining. alot. HEH.

well, i'll miss hid. definitely. the most.

2011-03-05T21:31:00.001+08:00

i log off.

i off my hp.

went to bathe.

on my hp.

called ze bestf.

she off her hp.

telepathy much.

plausible deniability

2011-03-05T03:10:00.004+08:00

"and if i have to leave you one day, for no reason

it's cause i need to.

don't ask. don't tell. and never look back.

pretend we never exist.

it's cause, we never agreed to the same thinking.

plausible deniability.

it's cause, i never stopped.

never did. never will."

true hero part 2.

-------------------------------------------------------------

coverlines; are meant to save assess. and pride.

lies;

to lie, is to clear the truth, to replace the time hist,

with a brand new, fake truth.

plausible deniability.

2011-03-04T01:23:00.002+08:00

i tend, to like, offend somebodeh, without realising it.

most of the time. always.

and i tend, to like, somebodeh.

out of blue.

randomly.

i still do, anyway.

just dont wanna kill it, just yet.

2011-02-28T05:45:00.003+08:00

So, what really matters?

i have no idea.

still tryna figure that out.

nights wasted

it has been a tough fight, i must admit.

between the brain and the heart.

we'll pull through.

what if, i want the best of both worlds?

using one, as a coverline.

well, what if?

AND FUCK, IM STILL SO FUCKING FRESHLY AWAKE.

im tired. physically.

WAHTHEFUCK.

2011-02-27T04:22:00.002+08:00

what the fuck are we doing?

i dont buy that shit.

tell me, you dont feel a single thing.

not even a slightest bit. all this while.

truth told,

it's fucking killin' me.

2011-02-25T03:58:00.003+08:00

"aku kan mcm tanah.

orang suka pijak-pijak."

oh well, you're not.

you know, you still got me.

we just have to find something better to do.

and show it off to the world.

it doesn't mean, that we have to stop doing it.

it's still our thing anyway.

hid and i, we're direct opposites.

and

we're still that awesome.

thats why.

2011-02-24T06:07:00.002+08:00

"i loathe your world.

so much so.

cause it makes me demeaningly selfless.

about who am i, to you.

and it bothers me so much.

cause im sucha fucking selfish idiot.

and i hate, sharing.

really.

and the only thing that works,

is to avoid you.

im fucking, drowned, in my world.

thats why."

who ever said that, was a true hero.

2011-02-23T02:38:00.002+08:00

yeah.

i'll go round the block again and tell the world.

everything.

once again.